Sing4Rent, thank you for your kind nomination. Since Hillary and Obama seem deadlocked on who can give away the most free healthcare, prescriptions and other goodies….and since McCain seems like a nice guy but that’s about all….. I will do my patriotic duty and step into the race
I am hereby announcing my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States. While I reserve the right to change my platform description to include other issues, right now, here’s what you can expect from me:
WHEN I AM ELECTED
—Any president that wants to “liberate” (attack or invade” another country will be required to lead the charge. On horseback. Naked. With a feather-duster as his only weapon.
—Anyone wearing jogging pants in public (not at a gym) will be fined $10,000. Manufacturers of nylon bicycle shorts will be prohibited in making any products larger than a 34 waistband. Spandex is a privilege, not a right.
—Anyone who uses their answering machine to play music at their callers will be forced to watch Martha Stewart reruns for 7 consecutive days with no sleep.
—Ruby Tuesday, Appleby’s, and TGI Fridays will all be combined. They’re all the same restaurant anyway so there’s no use for them to continue pretending.
—Call-waiting will be abolished.
—Using a cellphone in a movie theater or a restaurant will be a $100 fine for the first offense and hanging for the second offense. Some of us are trying to enjoy a meal or a movie without having to hear you bray on your cellphone about something we don’t care about.
—The death penalty will be abolished except for those extreme transgressions like those people who lick their fingers while going through the salad bar. And who can’t seem to understand the concept of a four-way stop.
—No more reality TV shows.
—Christmas music will only be allowed to play between Thanksgiving and Christmas Day. Anyone who still has Christmas decorations on their house on January 1 will be confined to special trailer parks in West Virginia and Arkansas.
—Critical thinking skills will actually be taught in school. If an adult is caught actually espousing and arguing for a belief that they cannot explain or support with their own thinking, they will be put back in 3rd grade which is where I’ll have all the public schools starting that curriculum.
—If you forward an email that says “If you love God, send this to 7 people” or any other kind of email that implies that we don’t love God if we don’t spam our friends…..we will put your picture on the 6:00pm news in every time zone with the word “Idiot” underneath it.
—Rush Limbaugh will be required to go back on drugs. Paula Abdul will have to get off them.
I can’t save this country alone. I need your help. But, until I have my official campaign contribution website up and running, you can just send gift certificates for Amazon, Apple and Tourneau directly to me at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Thank you for your support.
